last sunday was a blast.

while having late lunch, 8 friends decided it's a great day to go to the beach.

after 15 minutes of preparation, we were all pressed inside the pick-up.  at exactly 3:21 as our ala-transporter driver predicted, we arrived at the dock. 

it was a day of firsts.

first visit to Nahlap for L, J, C and baby J...

first dip into the sea for baby J...

and my very first time to witness the gorgeous Nahlap sunset though i've been there countless times...

road trip, boat ride, nice stroll, kayak adventure, refreshing swim, and lots of pictures in just a couple of hours... it was awesome.

Nahlap is a tiny island resort in the midst of Pacific Ocean.  =)

my mind is filled with thoughts,  my day is filled with realizations and lessons so before it slips my mind let me put some pieces together and try to make sense of it.

last night, i had a conversation with someone i consider a friend but whom i believe does not know me.  we've known each other for a year, met each other a few times, talked many times, i've enjoyed his company, but i guess we're really not on the same wavelength.  he never understood what really matters to me, i guess he never will.  and it suits me.

last sabbath, a 23-year old student missionary preached during hour of worship.  i heard every word she said, and knew that the message was exactly for me.  it was just what i needed.  her life story, His message, my journey... they all fit exactly.

three, four, five, six weeks ago, i would think twice if i'll go to church.  yes i would decide to go, but the only thing on my mind would be wanting to leave.  i was in a pit.  i was drifting further and further away for reasons i was fully aware of but it seems that i don't have control over.  i was weary.  and so these entries.  confessions that took me forever to declare.  yet, all i really needed was to acknowledge it and He will send me the answers one after the other.  He does not expect me to be strong.  how could i even forget that it is when i am weak that i am strong?  if i'm as strong as a rock, He cannot mold me.  but a clay that i am, then He can shape me to be what He wants me to be.

and so i thank Him for the friend who made me realize what kind of guy He wants for me and that i don't have to settle for anything less, because he will come at His perfect time.  and i thank Him for the student missionary who made me realize the life I want to live, the life I ought to live.  and i thank Him for all the struggles i go through because then i realize that my faith is what defines me.  it's my life.  without it, i'm nothing.  without Him, i'm nothing.

happy sabbath!

i promised Rica this entry at the start of the year.  so before february ends, here goes.

2004.  My life was revolving around one person and a dream.  A Tagaytay garden wedding as the sun sets.  A string quartet.  Kenny G's The Wedding Song.  Butterflies.  Laughter.  Romance.  A life-long journey with someone I love.   But it remained a dream.  We ended up breaking up by the end of the year.

2005 was tough health-wise.  First week of the year, I was at the hospital getting treated with my goiter.  It was successful, but in effect, I gained too much weight, my face broke out, I got into mild depression.  I was in my fattest, ugliest phase.  I didn't want to get out of the house, so I slept a lot.  I turned to chocolates and iced mocha for comfort and got hooked, which added more to my weight.  I tried cutting down on food, I resorted to jogging and walking for exercise, but didn't see any progress so I got more frustrated and stopped caring. 

I was going through breakup aftermaths, weight problems, an emotional roller coaster ride.  But there's always a way out:  music (kitkat, my ipod, kept me sane during hard times), tennis (I agree that working out is a therapy for depression), books, crafts, hobbies, new things to learn (cooking and baking), and the most important things in life (family, faith, friends and love...cheezeeyah!).  By December, He decided it's time to give me a great reward.  After all the dramas, the year ended superbly.

Words, words, words.  They cannot really describe what I went through.  But I think pictures will give you a better idea.

Grabe talaga.

As this year starts, I already have a glimpse of what it has for me.  Major changes for which I am excited and scared at the same time.  Plans of moving back home, going back to school, and trying it out as a self-employed gal.  I'll find a church (aside from my home church), try my best to be active in a ministry (I miss this soooo much), find my way back to Him, visit new places (Rica is asking me to go to Palawan with her, try to finally hike Gulugod Baboy or go to Puerto Galera perhaps), and as it has always been my goal every year - learn new things.

they're wild flowers, lost in a mob of greens

small, frail, inconspicuous, not intending to please

so you have to take a few more steps, spend a little more time, look a bit closer

before you see their beauty

nyss and i made this vow last december: be more kikay.  we realized it's time to be more conscious of how we look.  we agreed it's time to change our styles which basically hasn't changed since high school - jeans, shirt and flats, no accessories, no hair style, no make-up.

while i was home last december , i managed to give some extra effort. i fixed my hair before going out, i spent more than my usual 30 seconds in front of the mirror while dressing up, and had some sort of skin care regimen. i was looking after my diet and i really succeeded in going back to my ideal weight. 

now, i'm not sure anymore if all those extra efforts were all because of our vow or because my mom was constantly prodding me to fix myself up.  because the moment i left home, i think i totally abandoned the plan. i'm back to my old self.

yesterday, i realized that a few more pounds and i won't be able to wear my jeans (no, not again!). zits have been showing up, kadiri na ang kilay, my hair is sabog, i was wearing a plain old pair of jeans and a shirt na hindi bagay.  oh well, i guess old habits die hard.  "people don't change.  we are who we are.", as what gwyneth paltrow said in great expectations.  hehehe.

The good thing about blogging about your resolutions is you somehow feel responsible towards your readers to be true to your words.  And so you do something about it.  The bad thing is, well.... pretty much the same thing.  Because you risk being nagged at or being scolded if you still stick to your old habits.    Billy left offline messages for me.  Last night, my bestfriend was making me join her oatmeal diet starting next week.  This morning, a friend dragged me to the court so we can start with our morning tennis again.  Friends left comments.  Katuwa naman.

Well I think I made some progress for the last 24 hours.  I slept at around 11:00 PM last night, I woke up early (thank God for the great sunny morning so we could play... You are awesome), I came to work, and I haven't munched on chips or chocolates so far.  (But I have a new addiction - roasted peanuts in shells.... I almost finished one bag.) 

I feel a lot better today.  No more annoying allergy attacks, soar throat/chilly/feels-like having-a-flu feeling.  I feel lighter. 

But the biggest piece of the puzzle hasn't been touched.  It's something I cannot write about, because it's not just about my body clock nor my daily schedule.  It's about a change of heart.